I've never been a big fan of April Fool's Day. Pranks, foolishness and shenanigans have never really been my thing but in the days leading up to April Fool's Day this year, I couldn't possibly make this up if I wanted to...Let's begin.
I've always had pets in my home. Dogs mostly. My sister wanted a cat when we were kids, but my mom told her I was allergic. Turns out I'm not allergic to cats- instead, my mother hates cats and used that as an excuse for my sister to avoid listening to her beg for a cat. I have four cats now. My sister has two. Cats are really not a problem. For the most part, they don't listen to much of anything you say and don't care what you're doing unless they want you to clean up after them or they're hungry. They usually don't want your attention either until they see you doing something for yourself, and then they're all over you. Sort of like kids really except they eat the same thing everyday and you don't have to pay for their college. I've always had good dogs too until Millie. Our other two Chihuahuas were well behaved puppies for the most part- they didn't tear up stuff, not destructive in the house, and potty trained relatively easy for small dogs. I should have known something wasn't right about Millie when she was only $200. We paid far more for our other two Chihuahuas. As soon as we got Millie home, she began terrorizing the other pets. She tore up Alice's favorite toy, she began chasing cats, stealing food, and even peeing on the bed now and then. All puppy behavior I was thinking...nothing that won't correct itself right? Nothing we can't live with...until the morning I woke up to discover that Millie is a shit eater! That's right- the worst dog habit in the history of the domesticated dog. No dog owner can tolerate a shit eater. This is a deal breaker! Why in the name of all that is holy would you eat poop? I tried to ignore it at first hoping that maybe it was just a puppy phase or a one time thing but then the day came that not only was it abundantly clear that Millie was a shit eater, she became so brazen and bold about it, she even brought her prizes up onto the bed while I was sleeping and chomped away on turds! That was the last straw. I called the vet. I was beside myself. With 4 cats in the house, she practically had a Las Vegas Style 24 hour turd buffet going, and I had gone to great lengths to try and keep her out of the litter boxes. She had become an addict. I even caught her scaling the baby gates to get to the poop. After consultation with the vet, I was advised that there was an additive I could put in the cat food to make the poop taste bad and stop her from eating it. I pondered this for a moment. I have to buy something for $28 to make poop taste bad? Doesn't poop already taste bad? Now, I have to alter the flavor to make it taste worse? By the way, how does the vet know this stuff makes poop go from tasting just bad to tasting worse? Who has that job and where did they get the test subjects? For 5 days, all the animals in our house had to eat the bad tasting poop powder, you know, just to make sure there was no chance Millie would get a chance to get an untreated turd. After 5 days, we waited to see what would happen. I know that during the two weeks after the poop powder, I never caught Millie with poop. I did catch her though with a sock, two pairs of underwear, approximately $1.25, the cord for a lamp, Kleenex, my debit card, the cap to three bottled waters, a candy wrapper, and on unidentified item that she swallowed prior to my getting from her jaws. Today, April Fool's Day, there was Millie in the hallway chewing away on something. As I bent down to take it from her, first I caught the smell and then I saw it tumble from her mouth as she ran off in shame. IT WAS POOP! THE DAMN DOG PLAYED AN APRIL FOOL'S JOKE ON ME! She totally tricked me into thinking she was a recovering crap-aholic and then dropped a half chewed cat turd into my hand and ran off! I scrubbed my hand up to the elbow until the skin came off. I think the next step may have to be training the cats to use the toilet. In the meantime, if you visit my house, don't let Millie lick your face.
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