Swim suit shopping...my nemesis.

I know, I know...the blog is late this week. I have a really good reason. I've been trying to shop for a swim suit which has caused me to make about 10 visits to the store and make 2 attempts on my life. I hate shopping for swim suits and honestly don't know why I even buy one anymore. I haven't been seen in a swim suit by the public in probably 10 years. I won't even try them on in the store in the even that I'm in the fitting room and suddenly, there's a mall wide evacuation, and I have to go outside in the damn thing. Worse yet, I'd be wearing one that doesn't fit properly and looks even more ridiculous than its supposed to. It's my own fault...I'm over 40 and like to eat more than I like to exercise. I wish not taking care of yourself could be like denting your car...go to a body shop, get an estimate for the damage, submit it to your insurance, pay the deductible and get all fixed up and pay the price with higher rates. I may be uninsurable at this point. I get discouragedby exercise. Do you know how long you have to run to burn off just one candy bar? Far longer than the time it takes to eat it that's for sure! That, and I've never been fond of sweating. Pretty sure a person is not getting the most out of a workout if there's no sweating. But, due to my no sweating policy, I've returned 3 swim suits this week because they don't fit. My ass was hanging out of 2 and my boobs were hanging out of 1. All 3 made me look like a whale in different patterned spandex material, but at least that may get me carried into the water by an animal-friendly group in the event that I begin sweating. Perhaps a scuba suit would be a better choice-maybe then I could be mistaken for a seal. People think they're cuter anyway. My final strategy will be to go to the beach when it's clout or raining and then swimwear is really not necessary. I can't possibly be the only woman in the world who dreads this experience. When I was young, I couldn't wait for swim suits to come out in stores so I could pick out my new one for the summer and as I got into the teen years, there was always the argument with my mother about how much fabric a swim suit should legally be required to have and that a person should be able to in fact swim in it. Naturally, I disagreed. These days, I can't seem to find one that covers enough of the stuff I don't want people to see and even the covered parts look like they're trying to escape. I do draw the line at the "swim dress" though. I don't want to show up at a hotel pool birthday party for my niece or nephew only to discover my 64 year old mother and me in the same swim suit. I'd love to know why I get up during the night and share a snack with the dog and I'm fat and she isn't? Dogs don't wear swim suits? I think it might be time to become one of "those moms". You know the ones...they sit in a chair in pants and a long sleeved shirt with a wide brimmed hat and sunglasses even though it's 95 degrees reading a book and peeking over the top of it every few seconds to make sure their kids are still above the water. I always thought it was because they feared skin cancer or had some weird disease that made them feel cold all the time, but no, it's because they've given up on the swim suit and have resigned themselves to the idea that they will have to strip down to their bra and underwear to save a drowning child. Or, they're like Superman and have that hideous swim suit on underneath all those clothes...just in case.