Forty is Not Funny! : Can't they just take the gluten out of wheat?

Forty is Not Funny! : Can't they just take the gluten out of wheat?: There's an endless list of things I liked about being 21 more than I like about being 41. I liked that I could eat Mexican food and it d...

Can't they just take the gluten out of wheat?

There's an endless list of things I liked about being 21 more than I like about being 41. I liked that I could eat Mexican food and it didn't haunt me all night long. I liked that gobbling down chips and chocolate didn't make me fat. Now,I fear that gluten may be the cause of the wicked headaches I've been getting for years so I decided to give it up. In my travels to the store and to restaurants, I see gluten free food choices all the time so it's not like it's hard to get or anything. I had heard from other people that it was a little more expensive, but if this is the answer perhaps I'll save money on the pills I'm eating for headaches. Thinking logically as I always do, I figured I'd first do a little research and throw something out there on Facebook and ask my friends about gluten food brands that are the best and where to get them before hitting the store. Naturally, everybody had a different brand they preferred so I was encouraged...if everyone likes a different one, they all must be pretty good. Off to the store for gluten free bread, waffles, pop tart type things, cereal...all of my favorite precooked foods. So, the next morning, the " blueberry" waffles went in the toaster. When they popped up, I pulled them out and could not detect a single sign of a blueberry although they seemed to be blueberry scented. Also, I could see through them. This is not the Eggo waffle I'm accustomed to and quite fond of so right to the garbage. Next, I thought I'd give the $6 bread a try. Twice the price of regular bread for half as many slices- it must taste amazing. When I took it out of the bag, it looked dense and sort like pound cake. Ooooh! It looks like cake! This is going to be delicious! Again, I took it out of the toaster, slathered some peanut butter on it, took a big bite and fired it right out of my mouth. You know that smell a sponge gets after it's been used too many times and left to dry out on the sink? Yeah well, that's what this bread tasted like- the smell of a worn out dish sponge. And the whole loaf into the garbage...all six bucks worth! Not even worthy of feeding the birds- I'd hate for an entire flock of birds to get pissed off because I fed them lousy bread and try and storm the house or peck my eyes out. Done for the day with the gluten free experiments, I settled on a bowl of good old-fashioned rice crispies. Not to be discouraged, I went back to Target to get some different brands suggested by my Facebook friends. I selected my items, which now takes twice as long since I have to read every package, checked out, which now costs twice as much and headed home for some more sampling. Here's some things I bought at Target that have always been gluten free, and I purchase all the time. Toilet paper. Toilet paper is biodegradable and septic safe and happens to be gluten free. My dogs have been tearing it off the roll and chewing it up for years and nothing bad has happened to them. A Day Planner. I purchased a gluten free day planner, and it too is gluten free. I don't suggest putting the used pages in the toaster though, but since paper is made of wood pulp,and I went to high school with a kid who used to eat paper and he's ok, paper is inexpensive and I could probably use it for sandwiches. Glade Plug-Ins. No gluten in those either. Since wheat is often used as a thickener is salad dressings and gravies, the gluten free Glade Plug in comes in many favors to replace many sauces. The box did suggest that eating it might not be the best idea, but it didn't say call Poison Control either so everything in moderation I guess. Stay away from the "collection" variety plug ins however as they cost as much as gluten free bread. The bottom line I think my friends is that if there's no medical reason why I can't eat gluten other than it making me fat and sluggish, I'll be back to real food in no time. Thanks for reading!

Swim suit shopping...my nemesis.

I know, I know...the blog is late this week. I have a really good reason. I've been trying to shop for a swim suit which has caused me to make about 10 visits to the store and make 2 attempts on my life. I hate shopping for swim suits and honestly don't know why I even buy one anymore. I haven't been seen in a swim suit by the public in probably 10 years. I won't even try them on in the store in the even that I'm in the fitting room and suddenly, there's a mall wide evacuation, and I have to go outside in the damn thing. Worse yet, I'd be wearing one that doesn't fit properly and looks even more ridiculous than its supposed to. It's my own fault...I'm over 40 and like to eat more than I like to exercise. I wish not taking care of yourself could be like denting your car...go to a body shop, get an estimate for the damage, submit it to your insurance, pay the deductible and get all fixed up and pay the price with higher rates. I may be uninsurable at this point. I get discouragedby exercise. Do you know how long you have to run to burn off just one candy bar? Far longer than the time it takes to eat it that's for sure! That, and I've never been fond of sweating. Pretty sure a person is not getting the most out of a workout if there's no sweating. But, due to my no sweating policy, I've returned 3 swim suits this week because they don't fit. My ass was hanging out of 2 and my boobs were hanging out of 1. All 3 made me look like a whale in different patterned spandex material, but at least that may get me carried into the water by an animal-friendly group in the event that I begin sweating. Perhaps a scuba suit would be a better choice-maybe then I could be mistaken for a seal. People think they're cuter anyway. My final strategy will be to go to the beach when it's clout or raining and then swimwear is really not necessary. I can't possibly be the only woman in the world who dreads this experience. When I was young, I couldn't wait for swim suits to come out in stores so I could pick out my new one for the summer and as I got into the teen years, there was always the argument with my mother about how much fabric a swim suit should legally be required to have and that a person should be able to in fact swim in it. Naturally, I disagreed. These days, I can't seem to find one that covers enough of the stuff I don't want people to see and even the covered parts look like they're trying to escape. I do draw the line at the "swim dress" though. I don't want to show up at a hotel pool birthday party for my niece or nephew only to discover my 64 year old mother and me in the same swim suit. I'd love to know why I get up during the night and share a snack with the dog and I'm fat and she isn't? Dogs don't wear swim suits? I think it might be time to become one of "those moms". You know the ones...they sit in a chair in pants and a long sleeved shirt with a wide brimmed hat and sunglasses even though it's 95 degrees reading a book and peeking over the top of it every few seconds to make sure their kids are still above the water. I always thought it was because they feared skin cancer or had some weird disease that made them feel cold all the time, but no, it's because they've given up on the swim suit and have resigned themselves to the idea that they will have to strip down to their bra and underwear to save a drowning child. Or, they're like Superman and have that hideous swim suit on underneath all those clothes...just in case.

April Fool's Day...even the dog has a sense of humor.

I've never been a big fan of April Fool's Day.  Pranks, foolishness and shenanigans have never really been my thing but in the days leading up to April Fool's Day this year, I couldn't possibly make this up if I wanted to...Let's begin.
I've always had pets in my home.  Dogs mostly.  My sister wanted a cat when we were kids, but my mom told her I was allergic.  Turns out I'm not allergic to cats- instead, my mother hates cats and used that as an excuse for my sister to avoid listening to her beg for a cat.  I have four cats now.  My sister has two.  Cats are really not a problem.  For the most part, they don't listen to much of anything you say and don't care what you're doing unless they want you to clean up after them or they're hungry.  They usually don't want your attention either until they see you doing something for yourself, and then they're all over you.  Sort of like kids really except they eat the same thing everyday and you don't have to pay for their college.  I've always had good dogs too until Millie.  Our other two Chihuahuas were well behaved puppies for the most part- they didn't tear up stuff, not destructive in the house, and potty trained relatively easy for small dogs.  I should have known something wasn't right about Millie when she was only $200.  We paid far more for our other two Chihuahuas.  As soon as we got Millie home, she began terrorizing the other pets.  She tore up Alice's favorite toy, she began chasing cats, stealing food, and even peeing on the bed now and then.  All puppy behavior I was thinking...nothing that won't correct itself right?  Nothing we can't live with...until the morning I woke up to discover that Millie is a shit eater!  That's right- the worst dog habit in the history of the domesticated dog.  No dog owner can tolerate a shit eater.  This is a deal breaker!  Why in the name of all that is holy would you eat poop?  I tried to ignore it at first hoping that maybe it was just a puppy phase or a one time thing but then the day came that not only was it abundantly clear that Millie was a shit eater, she became so brazen and bold about it, she even brought her prizes up onto the bed while I was sleeping and chomped away on turds!  That was the last straw.  I called the vet.  I was beside myself.  With 4 cats in the house, she practically had a Las Vegas Style 24 hour turd buffet going, and I had gone to great lengths to try and keep her out of the litter boxes.  She had become an addict.  I even caught her scaling the baby gates to get to the poop.  After consultation with the vet, I was advised that there was an additive I could put in the cat food to make the poop taste bad and stop her from eating it.  I pondered this for a moment.  I have to buy something for $28 to make poop taste bad?  Doesn't poop already taste bad?  Now, I have to alter the flavor to make it taste worse?  By the way, how does the vet know this stuff makes poop go from tasting just bad to tasting worse?  Who has that job and where did they get the test subjects?  For 5 days, all the animals in our house had to eat the bad tasting poop powder, you know, just to make sure there was no chance Millie would get a chance to get an untreated turd.  After 5 days, we waited to see what would happen.  I know that during the two weeks after the poop powder, I never caught Millie with poop.  I did catch her though with a sock, two pairs of underwear, approximately $1.25, the cord for a lamp, Kleenex, my debit card, the cap to three bottled waters, a candy wrapper, and on unidentified item that she swallowed prior to my getting from her jaws.  Today, April Fool's Day, there was Millie in the hallway chewing away on something.  As I bent down to take it from her, first I caught the smell and then I saw it tumble from her mouth as she ran off in shame.  IT WAS POOP!  THE DAMN DOG PLAYED AN APRIL FOOL'S JOKE ON ME! She totally tricked me into thinking she was a recovering crap-aholic and then dropped a half chewed cat turd into my hand and ran off!  I scrubbed my hand up to the elbow until the skin came off.  I think the next step may have to be training the cats to use the toilet.  In the meantime, if you visit my house, don't let Millie lick your face.