So, this is my first blog...inspired by many friends who insist that I'm the funniest person they know. It's not funny really though because these stories are true accounts of shenanigans and foolishness that occur in my life on a regular basis.
I began my forties a year ago...along with the "mid-life crisis" I've heard so much about. I spontaneously quit my job and insisted we sell our overpriced house by a golf course for a 100 year old "charming piece of small town history". I was 40 now- time to reflect on my life and my accomplishments...my successes and failures and where I expected to be at this place in my life. I remember when my mom was 40- I was 16. She looked like a mom, and I did in fact believe that she was too old for a number of things even though she would likely disagree. Now it's me...40 years old. Do I look 40? What does 40 look like anyway? Elastic waist pants, fuzzy perm and a pastel colored crew neck sweater? Ugh, the thought of it made me feel sick but the cold hard fact was that I was too old for a handful of things. Leggings are a great example. Every morning I drop my son off at school and I see these teenage girls walking into the school wearing black leggings and little flat shoes or Uggs and most of them are not making any effort at all to cover their back ends with a long shirt. For a second, it crosses my mind to sell my soul to the devil to be 17 again and have a tight little butt like that. This is not a look that is advisable for women over 40 and if you don't believe me go hang out at a Walmart on a weekend. Leggings are not forgiving in any way. I'd even go so far as to say that they might be holding a grudge. Every lump, bump or unsightly fat roll will be out there for everyone to see so if you must wear leggings, your shirt better come down to your knees. Bikinis do not belong on me anymore- I've had a child. I breastfed that child and my boobs require a tremendous amount of support not to escape. No bikini top with nothing but strings to tie it together is going to offer that. Nobody is going to want to see that when the girls get out. I am also too old for loud crowded bars full of kids who just turned 21. They are full of drama, spilling drinks and inevitably one of them with throw up before the night is over. The last time I went to a bar, one of those twentysomething drunken jackasses threw a quarter at me and when I began to yell at him he said "I just wanted to get your attention so I could tell you you're beautiful and I love your look". My look was jeans and a t-shirt and my response was "it is the ultimate insult to throw money at a woman in an effort to get her attention..." Oh my God, if I was 23 years old, I would have swooned for a stupid move like that and saved the quarter for our wedding. At 40, a verbal assault instead and a refusal of the drink he offered to buy to apologize for throwing the quarter.
I'm 41 now. I've had to purchase a pill minder and traded my subscription to Glamour magazine for Good Housekeeping. My cholesterol is a bigger worry than contracting an STD. Instead of being a kid, I'm raising one and there are days when I wonder when his parents are going to come and get him and then I remember that's me.
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